Back in Action

Well I was accepted back into college (SUNY Cortland)!!! I only have 2 years left and its about time I finished up. I'm a clinical psychology major and I hope to one day be a certified psychotherapist, drug and alcohol therapist or something along those lines. We'll see. I'm planning on going right for the Master's degree after i finish up my Bachelor's. More good news....I found a job. So far so good. I'm bar tending some nights and waitressing other nights. The money is decent and I need it to move by August 1st. I found out my ex who i had gotten back with was lying and talking to other girls so I have completely cut him out of my life. I feel like I am finally moving forward again. So many setbacks...ugh. My sister Casey is due any day now and I cant wait to get out there and meet my new nephew!! I also met a new guy. I knew him from high school and I think he's a good guy. But really I just want to focus on me and enjoy life again. Classes will start for me at the end of August so I am hoping to find a nice apartment. Either a one bedroom or find a roommate (which would be cheaper, but we'll see). Everything depends on $$$$$$ and if I have it or not. Well, I just thought I'd write an update on how my life is going. And its going OK. Getting better everyday. The less I focus on the negative things (like my ex) the more things get better. Live and learn I guess.

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The Abusive Truth of My Childhood Part I

My mom and dad split when I was 4 and my little brother John was 2. My Dad was a struggling teacher, still in college getting his Masters Degree. My mom, and dad for that matter, both partied a lot. That's how my parents met...sex, drugs and rock-n-roll. My mom had me at 21 yrs old, and when my parents split, she did too. At the time she was still consumed with that life and not ready to be a parent. She wasn't ready for the responsibilities of motherhood so she and my dad divorced and my mom left. They had split custody, but I lived with my dad (until i was a teen).She was in and out of our lives as children, but I'll get into that. So at four and two, it was just the three of us; Dad, John and I. We moved into a small, but cozy two bedroom apartment. That's when my dad met "her", his new love interest. My mom wasn't coming around and my dad was slowly introducing this woman into our lives. "Her" Dad owned an awesome and successful wedding and banquet facility, Lemoyne Manor, and my dad was working there as a chef to pay the bills (that's how the two to them met). I actually loved it there, and in the beginning it was fun being there, exploring the whole place. I was seven I believe when I first met her, eight when they married. At first she seemed ok, but she wasn't my mom, and I ALWAYS wanted my mom. I ALWAYS missed her and cried for her to come see me. But Dad's new wife brought us movies and gifts, and she seemed alright. It all happened so fast. Well not even a year into things my dad was making us call her "mom". I hated that. I have a mom, I thought to myself. Why do I have to call "her" mom I wondered. My dad even hit me with the belt because of it. And quickly we were calling her "mom". I hated it so much. And his wife was already abusing us. My first recollection: I remember like it was yesterday her throwing a brush so hard at my brother that it cut his head and it started bleeding. I don't remember telling my dad about all of this, just that I hated her and wouldn't call her mom. But that didn't seem to work out in my benefit. Didn't he see?We were all still living in the cozy apartment that was once just the three of ours. I remember I wanted my mom so bad, and so many times she would say she was coming and not show up. I wanted her to rescue me, save me, take me away from her. The abuse continued and got worse. A lot of verbal abuse too, and she would lie and tell my dad how horrible we were so he would spank us or make us stand in the corner. But he was a good dad to me. He would rub my head at night and make up stories until i would fall asleep. I remember wanting to tell him, but I was 8, what did I know. Well shortly after their marriage "she" got pregnant and had Casey, an angel. We moved out of the city to Palermo (the country) for better work for my dad I think. I loved being a big sister. It was the highlight of my days. School was horrible because I was dressed in old clothes and was just poor. I had no mother figure whatsoever. I was a good student though, but even teachers are prejudice. But Casey was like my little angel who always made me smile. I felt like i was her "good" mommy, even though her mom was so good to her and so horrible to me. While living in Palermo Casey's mom would use food to be mean. She had special snacks that John and I could never have. I always wished she worked instead of dad. One day while dad was at work she gave me a hair cut. She cut my hair right at the back of my neck. Just snipped it right off. Well she cut in so deep that it put a slice in the back of my neck (I still have a scar) that squirted blood out. She told my dad it was an accident but I knew she just wanted to hurt me. The hair cut was more torture than anything. It was so bad I got picked on for months. I would wish she would be a good mom to be like she was to Casey. Another time at that house (i don't remember the exact reason) but John or I had done "something". I remember the two of us running as fast as we could from her into the woods out back (we knew those woods so well because we were always playing outside). We ran and ran and ran as fast as we could, crying the whole way into those woods. We felt like soldiers in a war, retreating. We ran so far back I thought we may have gotten lost. We sat and waited until it got dark and then just walked the same path we ran out, back towards the house. We knew dad would be home because it was dark. As a kid I just didn't get why she couldn't be motherly to us. Were we bad? I still don't get it. We were good kids. We ended up moving again because "she" got pregnant with her second child Kevin. We needed the space anyways, plus dad found better work. We moved to Sandy Creek, NY. I was again very excited. I felt like it took the focus off of us getting punched, slapped, kicked and spit at. But she still abused John and I when she was pregnant because we never fought back. After a few years of the abuse I began to act out. I felt that it took the focus off of John and maybe it wouldn't be as bad for him. I think it worked. But I never really talked to John about what he remembers as far as the abuse from childhood. While in Sandy Creek things got worse. But my mom started coming around a little more. We lived there from when I was in 5th grade until the end of 8th. I was bullied and picked on for being poor. I used to wish I had a mom to talk to. To tell me things about how to dress, act, make friends, be liked, help me with ANYTHING any young girl would need help with. But I didn't. I had myself. And John. He and I were the best of friends growing up. We played outside all the time. Mostly to stay away from the house until dad came home, but also because we just loved to explore the outdoors. It was fun living in the country. SO much to explore and find. Christmases were my least favorite holiday. They all were. The little ones (Michayla, the last child they had together came along...they were all just one or two years apart) always seemed to get nicer presents. There mom was always so good to them, never yelling at them or disciplining them. No time out, no corner, and NO hitting. Often I would get hit for "making them cry" when I did nothing at all to make them upset. But what's one more punch, kick, slap or bashing. I always played with them and loved them. I remember my mom had started buying me porcelain dolls. I loved them so much. I loved anything she got me. Well she started finding new ways to hurt me. One day she smashed one of my favorite dolls against the bathroom door because i wouldn't come out. Then she sprayed as much hairspray and anything that would spray under the door to try and gag me out. It didn't work. I sat in that bathroom until dad came home. I cried and told him about my doll. (in part II of this post I will get into why i think my dad didnt know, or want to know etc). Another time in that house she slapped me right in front of my friend. I was so embarrassed. It was hard enough for me to even make friends and now they were scared to come over. I mean she was a scary person now. The young, thin woman I had met years ago was now overweight and "mean looking". Yet no one ever said anything. And she slapped me for no reason. I hated her so bad. Still do. While i was in 8th grade my dad took a good job in Norfolk, Va. The 7 of us moved. I was becoming a teenager now and beginning to fight back. My dad was starting to see the abuse because she would do SOME things in front of him, like chase me around the house trying to hit me. We moved into a few houses in VA. I remember I started fighting back. She pushed me down the stairs once, then chased me back upstairs and had me pinned to the bed. I kicked her as hard as I could and ran.She would play so innocent when my dad was around. But the abuse continued until i moved into a neighbors house. I used to babysit the womans (Tera Whitney Coulter, my hero) 3 kids. She saw all the marks and bruises on me and went over to my house one day and really told her off. She said if I EVER find out you lay one finger on this girl again I will come down there and whoop your ass. FINALLY, I had someone on my side. She and I still keep in contact. My dad divorced "her" finally after 11 years of hell for me. Apparently she was bi-polar and refused to take any medication. My dad felt the little ones were being neglected and in danger. She went back to NY and my dad got full custody of the kids. Why would any mother, who HAS kids want to hurt someone elses so badly. But once I was able to move in with MY mom, then I felt safe. She could never hurt me again. Of course the emotional hurt I still suffer subconsciously will probably never go away. I don't know. But I do know that someone should have turned that woman in a very long time ago. If you know anyone is abusing a child, physically or mentally or both, do something. I cant remember many happy moments from living with her. I probably have a lot of the good memories blocked out. All of my happy moments include my brother john and then the "babies" when they came along. I wish my dad wasn't always working. I wish a lot. But its been 12 years since the abuse ended. You would think i have fully healed and moved on, but he residual effects of the abuse continue to effect me. Well, that's all for now. Life moves on and so have I. I dont know why I decided tro write this. Maybe hoping someone could relate. It's not easy to talk about my past. But I did. Part II of this posting will follow at a future date.

The Breath of Love



Ive hit the bottom I'm going down

No longer floating, about to drown.

I need to surface, I need some air

This raging water, I can not bare.

I want to live, I want to fly

Not one more day, shall I fall and cry.

I reach my hand out towards a ledge

To make a promise, an oath, a pledge.

My wants and wishes and daydreams stop

Its time for goals and needs and plots.

I know I can, I know I will

Take this chance, put down the pills.

So I can reach the stars above

And finally feel the breath of love.

Life in a rut

I lost my job this past September and have felt like a complete faliure ever since. I worked there for two years, and the four years prior to that I was a full-time student--I got my Associates Degree then transfered to a 4 year college. There are a lot of in betweens of course. I live in an area where the economy sucks and finding a good paying job with benefits (like I had) is far from easy. Maybe its just my motivation. And to top off the ego killer, I LIVE AT HOME. I feel like I am living in a nightmare and stuck in a rut. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love my mom. She;s more than supportive, kind, loving, helpful and there for me. But is it not time that I do things for myself? My income has been supplied by unemployment and that runs up in September. I dont know why I have been so stuck, unmotivated and plain lazy. I'm too old for this type of negativity and frame of mind. I KNOW I should be taking life by the horns. I know I can go and do anything I put my mind to. I know I am smart, witty, hardworking, and determined. But I also know I am not applying myself or my attributes to my life. I hope within the next several weeks, or few months, things will really turn around for me, because I need it. I re-applied to the 4 year college I was attending. I have two years left to finish. MY plan, as of right now, is to work work work through the summer and save up unitl college starts. Because at the end of the summer I'm kicking myself out of this house!! :)) I don't know if I'm afraid, or scared of failure or what. But its time. I'm 27 years old and time and LIFE is just passing me by....in this small house, in this small town, with my small thinking. My dad tells me all the time to just GO. "Go Ashley, go anywhere." a fresh start somewhere else would be nice and refreshing. So I suppose I really dont have a plan. But I have some goals. One being to get my ass a job. Ive considered myself a hard worker my whole life. I was raised that way. And here I am, making excuses. Well no more. I hope my next update will be one of improvement. I sure could use something good to come my way.

Sadness

Sadness is a lonely place

So much to do, so much to face.

If only I could be the one

To quiet all these nagging tongues.

I try my best, but I know its small

It's seems impossible to please them all.

So one more time I'll raise my head

It is not fair to dread and dread.

So in this troubled, lonely mind

I'll walk the line, I'll be more kind.

For sadness is a lonely course

All things pushed away, and outside the doors.

And because I do not know whats ideal

I'll lie with my smile to show whats real.

Ashley McElroy

Hope

Earlier this week many parts of the southern United States were hit by a wide outbreak of tornadoes that essentially flattened many towns and cities. Fortunately in such a time of need and disaster thousands of volunteers have flocked to the affected areas to offer a hand with cleanup and recovery efforts in any way they can.

Throughout the affected areas hundreds of people were injured and thousands more are now essentially homeless; fortunately for all of these affected people there are thousands of volunteers already on the scene or already headed that direction. Volunteer organizations from various schools, churches, colleges, and other locations in the affected areas are hard at work cleaning up after the devastation left behind by the extremely powerful tornadoes.

The recent tornado outbreak was so severe it even crippled many emergency response crews by destroying or damaging equipment; in these areas specifically outside emergency crews have already begun to help by replacing essential equipment. In certain areas the Nation Guard has also been called in for assistance.

Many affected areas are already starting to see serious signs of recovery as the massive volunteer armies continue with the cleanup. Many local analysts say the turnout of volunteers in many areas truly is astonishing. Currently government assistance programs are not yet deployed though President Obama has said he hopes to offer some sort of assistance as soon as possible; in the meantime the volunteer groups will continue taking control of the situation and doing everything they can.